Useless Thing I Wrote Because I have no life
by Helena Valentine
Summary: DO NOT READ THIS! IT IS STUPID! YOUR BRAIN WILL MELT!rated T for mention of sex hey i don't want to get in trouble on this site...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: you mean you actually need one?

"You know what Remus?"

Remus Lupin looked up from the papers about and for lord knows what and raised an eye brow at Nymphadora Tonks over the scratched ugly table in Number 12, Grimald place. There was a moment when he considered whether or not he should say anything to this, considering what the word "What is it, Nymphadora?" had led to before, from asking him about his virginity to long rants that seemed to be about something that had happened to her but all he got was an "Imagine if you were…" and then he would have to sit there and politely watch the pink haired witch walk around the table shouting at some obscene person he didn't know who or sometimes even what had happened, and try not to burst out laughing. He most definitely shouldn't ask what.

"What is it, Nymphadora?"

"Ya know every woman in the world understands you perfectly."

Lupin blinked, a bit taken aback. More taken aback she hadn't gotten mad at him for using her first name then at the question. He had come to expect questions like this. He most definitely shouldn't say anything however, this did not sound like the kind of conversation he wanted to get into. So Lupin sat in his chair reading the boring and completely undistracting papers for the next five or… two minutes, while Tonks just sat there and smiled at him in a slightly wicked kind of way and waited expectantly for him to ask "What do you mean be that?" or something.

Sirius came down the stairs, tip toe-ing as much as you can in the morning when you're tired, and yawned as he came in the door. He sat down at the end of the table, between Lupin and Tonks. Tonks turned and smiled at him in greeting, and then turned back to Lupin with the same (he was sure it was a wicked grin now) wicked grin over her face.

Sirius blinked and looked between them.

Lupin turned a paper over and started reading the just as boring back.

Tonks grinned wickedly at Lupin.

Sirius looked blankly and expectantly at Lupin.

Lupin continued reading.

Sirius decided to look blankly and expectantly at Tonks, considering he thought she was more likely to tell him what the ruddy hell was happening.

Tonks continued staring wickedly at Lupin.

Sirius wondered if they had had sex or something.

Lupin hoped Sirius wasn't thinking anything dirty.

Tonks was getting annoyed, and her cheeks hurt from smiling wickedly.

_(the writer wonders why she is writing like this, and knows this is a stupid story. Now she wonders why she is writing this again.)_

Sirius was loosing patients big time

_(the writer just realized the period button isn't working and neither are all the other buttons that she doesn't have to push shift for but needs o no she says sorry and realizes at least the commas are somehow appearing there anyway) _

Sirius lost his patients

"WHAT!"

_(writer rejoices that buttons are working again on keyboard, but doesn't think anyone is still around to know or care anyway.)_

Lupin winced as Tonks said "Oh, we were just thinking about how every woman in the world understands him."

There was a pause, and then Sirius burst out laughing.

Tonks and Sirius both look wickedly at Lupin.

_(writer waves goodbye sadly to readers who are undoubtedly leaving this story right now. 'goodbye love, goodbye love! Goodbye love… goodbye…')_

_(readers who hadn't left yet leave now, unless they are a fan of _Rent_ only stay if you are a fan of the play the movie wasn't all that good…)_

_(ok, getting back to bad story now…)_

Lupin was beginning to feel highly uncomfortable. Which was saying something, considering any normal person would have started feeling uncomfortable long before now.

this keeps on going for about another minute

Lupin was getting very uncomfortable, which was saying something, because any normal person would have started to feel very uncomfortable about the same time Lupin was starting to feel uncomfortable.

thirty seconds later

Lupin was extremely uncomfortable. Which was saying something because-

"Alright. Why. Do. You. Think. That. Tonks?" Lupin put down the cursed papers that had failed to distract him.

**Ok, send in why you think every woman understands Lupin, any responses are fine by me, my people who obviously don't have much of a life today because they actually read through that whole story… right… so I must not have any life at all… ok… well, my other stories are better… my websites for stories are better anyway… I don't write on them… send in your stories there, bye! (doesn't know how to end author's last note thing…)**


	2. Chapter 2

If you think I am JK Rowling, you have SIRIUS issues. Hehe. The old pun again. I got writers block again, so here's another crazy pointless story you shouldn't read anyway. This story seems to get more reviews then any of my other ones though... strange.

Nymphadora Tonks was bored. Which was very bad news for Lupin, because he was the one her incredible boredom was usually taken out on, since he was interesting in a boring kind of way where no matter how civil he acted he was never THAT surprised when she did something insane. At first she had not understood this twisted way of the man's mind, and then she had met Sirius, and the world suddenly seemed very sane and she understood why Lupin was never THAT surprised when she did something insane. Alright, now the writer has lost track of absolutely everything she was saying, and will go back to the top of this paragraph to see what she started with and how she started talking about the crazy workings of the world and Sirius Black. I might add I have forbade myself to backspace on this.

In fact, she was so bored, she went on the internet, somthing only her father used and for god knows what reasons though he was usually giggling and going "ooooooooohhhh". Creepy images for your mind. She had changed to all the noses she could think of and a few she couldn't and gone through every hairstyle she could remember. She had done everything she could think of involving the Weird Sisters, and had counted how many essays she had to do for work by next Friday. But she still had absolutly nothing to do. So she decided to go ask Sirius questions about the random things in the crazy universe.

"Wotcher Sirius."

"Hello Tonks. How are you on this lovely evening?"

And that scared Tonks so much she decided not to ask Sirius any more questions, lest he be unpredictably polite anymore. Plus she realized the writer didn't know how to end or begin this conversation with Sirius, so she left for that reason too. Sirius then began brushing Buckbeak's beak. Now poor Remus Lupin was in the Kitchen drinking Eral Grey Tea with chocolete melting in it (it's actually good people) when Nymphadora Tonks walked in. He was very scared. But being the predictably polite chocolete loving werewolf we all know and love, he did not scream and run away. He only screamed. Because his tea was too hot. However, Tonks thought it was because she was not a werewolf and would therefor never understand him. So she ran away to a cottage Remus suddenly lived in in the middle of the woods and it was suddenly nightime with no moon and Lupin came and started using lines from some creepy werewolf player kind of thing and then they took off their cloths and had sex which the writer will discribe in vivid detail but suddenly Tonks realized she was married to some other guy, or girl, and Lupin realized he didn't have to follow what happened in the sixth Harry Potter book and made sweet love to Sirius who didn't die instead. Then Harry and Tonks and George and Fred and Mrs. Weasly all came in and they all started having secret affairs with each other as the goings on inside the actual Harry Potter series suddenly dies away and then Tonks realized suddenly that she was still online and just reading the Harry Potter fanfiction you can find out there. For all the people who are actually still reading this, I'm sure you are relived.

Tonks's mouth fell open as she scrolled down page after page of Harry Potter fanfiction. At first she thought that these were fans of Harry Potter, you know, the person in her world. Then she realized that she was wearing a purple jump suit and therefor concluded that this was indeed an alternet universe. And judging on what these people were saying, it was based of some puppet show called Potter Puppet Pals. Hmmm... So anyhow she found an illegal copy of the book online and read through all the books in a record amount of time, and called Lupin down to see this.

"REMUS!"

Remus Lupin leapt high in the air from where he was er... reading... with a book over his face and snores coming out from his throat. So he leapt up and ran down the stairs into Grimald Place kitchen, where Tonks was sitting with two squars attached together and wearing a purple jumpsuit. He blinked as he realized words were on the top part of the two squars and they seemed to be talking about Harry!

"Nymphadora, what are your doing?" He asked.

Tonks suddenly clicked on somthing, and the words "Don't call me that Remus, it's Tonks!" Were at the top of the page. Followed by stuff Nymphadora covered with her hand and her hair turned green. And for some reason made her blush as well. "Here, read this one." She said.

There was a pause as Lupin scanned over the words on Tonks's "come-puke-tour" and blinked. There was a pause where the very intelogent man who never needed to ask for help and always had the answer and voice of reason stared at the words, and then he turned his head and did the one thing Nymphadora Tonks thought shouldn't be done unless the world had gone mad and there was nothing else to do. He called for Sirius Black.

"Sirius!"

Tonks raised her hand to her mouth in horrer and held her hand to her chest over the purple jumpsuit.

Sirius came running down the stairs. "The worlds gone mad! There's nothing else to do! What is Tonks wearing! Are we in an alternet universe!"

A few minutes later Sirius was sitting brain dead in front of the computer acasionally shouting things like "ooo, rated R! And why can't Ron and Mrs. Weasly get together?" Tonks turned to Lupin, her mouth hanging open, thinking that at least she wasn't bored anymore and neither was the writer. Lupin wondered again why the writing had made her blush.

"Wait, what do they mean I die? And what exactly was in Ron's pumpkin juice? Do you think JK Rowling wanted Harry and Dudley to get together in the end?" Then one of the writer's TV shows came on and she doesn't know how to end this anyway so it might as well be now.

Alright, yet another douse of writer's block. The only reason I write these things is because they help me get over it. You should try it some time. Just sit down and write somthing stupid, and your whole head will be filled with good ideas. Ok, send in stupid topics for conversation for the next chappie, and whoevers makes the least sense and is the hardest for me to write gets to share a cup of tea with chocolete in it with Lupin and the same chair he was napping on with him in it for a limited amount of time. Plus I'll use their idea next time I'm banging my head against the desk.

Valentine


	3. Chapter 3

Writer: This is fluffy. This is random. This is something I promised myself I would never write again (I'm trying to become a Holly Black style writer, considering I don't seem to have any specific style) and it just popped into my head one day and I wrote it down. Now with that brilliant introduction, here you go:

Disclaimer: Nope. Harry Potter in currently not in my possesion. Well, I own the books, but the live characters (according to my shrink they aren't real) belong to the wonderfully fantastic and slightly warped mind of JK Rowling.

Remus Lupin didn't get it.

Nymphadora Tonks was entirely the strangest person he had ever met in his life.

One of the incredibly strange things about her though was that she seemed to like it when people called her strange. She liked it much better then when people called her normal(which wasn't often), anyway. No doubt she tried to get the idea "I am not normal" into as many people's heads as possible. In fact, just by being around her, he had this strange sense that he would definitely never want to be normal, something he had actually wanted and worked for most of his life.

She also seemed to be able to laugh at herself all the time. Sometimes he wondered if she just tried to make mistakes to give herself a good laugh. When he had been her age, whenever he had done something embarrassing, his face would flush and he would try to leave as quickly as possible. That might actually still happen to him when he did something embarrassing, but that was fine. This happened to everyone. Or so he thought, anyway. But no, she seemed to be just as amused at her own humiliation as Sirius was at everyone's humiliation at times. No offense to Sirius. That was just the way he was.

Another strange thing was that she never ever tried, attempted, or even came close to being, remotely normal.

He had really already said this, but it definitely deserved more of an explanation. He thought so, anyway. She wore her hair in the strangest colors in the world and spoke her mind with much too much freedom. She laughed too much and was all in all much too curious about life itself. She wore the strangest cloths she could come across, said the strangest things she could think of. If there was a fad, she would do the opposite. He had always been terrified to do things such as these. He hadn't been a complete wimp, but he had never tried to stand out about all the things he did differently. But if everyone was wearing grey, she would probably have gone out in a great feathered and sparkly pink robe just to parade around in it, and make everyone sure she was not like them at all.

But despite all these insanely crazy things, there was one thing more he never got about her, and it drove him mad trying to figure out why the bloody hell she was like that.

She seemed to actually like him quite a lot.

He still couldn't fathom how someone so strange, so different, so entirely the opposite of him could actually want to be near him. She seemed to really and truly like putting her hand in his. When he smiled, she seemed to smile much more brightly at just the sight of it. When he said things Sirius called "dreary and dead sarcasm," she would actually laugh. As though he was seriously funny and actually the kind of person you want to hang around with and talk to.

There had really and seriously been occasions when she had laid her head down on his shoulder and just shut her eyes. She hadn't even already been asleep, so it wasn't an accident. She, being her, had not been embarrassed in the slightest, and had actually had a small smile on her face. He, being him, had glanced fervently around, making sure no one he knew had seen a strange young pink haired girl put her head down on his shoulder.

She also seemed to like being with him. She would walk with him instead of aperate home in the end of an order meeting. A lot of the time when things like this happened, he had thought it would be awkward and silent. But noooooo, she just had to prove him wrong and talk about random and interesting things.

She was definitely strange.

And he hoped she would never ever be normal.

Writer: Ok, how did you like that random fluffiness?


End file.
